BEST DIRECTOR and BEST PICTURE WINNER:  Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker

“Now that the Oscars are over {one month ago today},” the New York Post pondered, “all sorts of questions come to the fore. All of these pale in comparison, though, to this one, which is being asked by every woman in the country: Can KATHRYN BIGELOW really be 58?”

Actually, she’ll be 59 in November … but looks decades younger! The first woman ever to win a Best Director Oscar “is as slender and fit as a college athlete,” commented columnist Kyle Smith. “She looks like she could take Matt Damon in a windsprint {maybe even Johnny Damon!}, if not in pushups. Suggestion: her big followup should be How I Got to Look This Way. It’ll be the biggest thing since Jane Fonda’s Workout. She’ll never have to earn another paycheck. The grosses will put Avatar’s to shame.” And likely leave her ex-hubby and Avatar creator James Cameron with an even bigger case of blue balls…

Sleuth’s “big question” is how Cameron could ever have left Kathryn for lesbionic Linda Hamilton, on whom he then cheated with current spouse, sticklike Suzy Amis?! Bigelow’s biceps—she worked construction as a struggling young artist—are positively Titanic when compared to Amis’s arms … and she could put a “Hurt Lock” on half the guys in the Oscar audience! No wonder reporter Reed Kaplan just wrote: “There’s no denying that Bigelow is Hollywood’s biggest badass.”

And her “bad ass” has hooked a lover twenty-one years her junior! Though Kathryn says she’s “now in a relationship I prefer to keep private,” that’s because she might not want it known she’s been “exploding da vices” of the 37-year-old journalist who wrote her screenplay— Mark Boal—ever since they “hooked up” working on the 2005 cop series {you can’t make this stuff up!}, The Inside. One headline on IMDb raved: “Wow! A MILF Won Best Director!”…but she’d be closer to a GILF, if she’d had children, who could give her grandkids. So in these Strange Days, Kath is closer to a “Cougar”…

And closer to a Liz Hurley lookalike, in Sleuth’s eyes, than anyone might have imagined! While she’s a full fourteen years older than Liz, Bigelow directed busty Hurley {whose mother’s maiden name, we swear, is Angela Titt} in a nude scene for the 2000 flick The Weight of Water…and one can only hope that they went over their lines together in private!

The weighty Harvard Film Review said of their Water work: “Bigelow characteristically heightens the psychosexual tension between identification and competition traditional to melodrama, only in this case among women rather than men.”

Now that’s one “fire fight” you’d need a huge hose to put out…

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINEE:  Penélope Cruz for Nine

“I remember thinking, ‘What am I doing here? How did this happen?’” PENÉLOPE CRUZ wondered when winning the Best Supporting Actress Oscar last year for Vicky Christina Barcelona—a feat she followed up by becoming only the third woman* in history to merit consecutive BSA nominations! “I have always been very self-critical,” Cruz continues. “I think you need that to keep growing and improving.” As it is, she’s waaay past being a Nine…

“Those eyes, her neck, her shoulders, her breasts!” mentor Pedro Almódovar wrote after directing his muse in Volver. “Penelope has got one of the most spectacular cleavages in world cinema. Looking at her has been one of the great pleasures of the shoot ” {and he’s gay!}. Read his comments by a reporter, Penelope blushed and laughed: “It is Volver {vul-vay}, not Vulva!”

Speaking of which, her signature line in Nine—played at this year’s Oscar ceremonies—has Pené as the roving director’s obsessed mistress sitting spread-eagled in bed and begging: “You’re playing with me. You’re twisting everything…please let me come with you…I’ll be there waiting for you with my legs open.” Pretty hard to say Nein to that!

“In food, in love and sex,” she believes, “magic is there and you have to be able to see it. It’s not there all the time, but when it comes it’s amazing!” So is she … like when she Opens Her Eyes while riding to a climax. “When she has sex,” Penelope purred about an earlier carnal character, “she has to be on top.” Is there anyone alive who isn’t driven to be in Cruz control?

“I still don’t like doing nude scenes,” says Señorita Skin, “but some stories need them.” Like this one …

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* Estelle Parsons (1967-8) and Lee Grant (1975-6) are the only other two.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINEE: Anna Kendrick for Up in the Air

“I’m enjoying watching people talk about Vera {Farmiga} and discovering Anna,” their Up in the Air co-star George Clooney raves about the pair. “But I’ve been in good movies that were not successful. The problem is that if they don’t perform {at the box office}, then it really is going to be just Transformers. I’m not making any judgment on Transformers, I’m just saying Hollywood will only make those tentpoles.”

Ironically, Anna first raised tentpoles in the blockbusterTwilight franchise—staking her claim to fame as Jessica, Bella Swan’s self-absorbed human homey. “I’m a big dork,” she said at the time, “and I like Harry Potter, so I certainly don’t have a problem with” having Harry hysteria. “And,” she grins about vamps vs. wizards, “we’re much sexier.”

“Look Mom! I’m in a movie with George Clooney!” Kendrick tweeted last October, then told all her fans two months later: “Up in the Air is playing nationwide today—get your cute little butts into a local theater!” We can’t speak for Anna’s little butt … but a brief glimpse in one of the short-lived CBS series Viva Laughlin’s two episodes in 2007 showed her bust is anything but little! Her episode’s title? “What a Whale Wants” {sperm, we’d figure…}.

“It’s not just my character,” Anna gushed about the role that nabbed an Oscar nom, “but all the women characters are so well rounded {that goes double for her!}. You couldn’t ask for anything more.”

Well, we could ask you to lose the bra …

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINEE: Vera Farmiga for Up in the Air

“Think of me as you, with a vagina,” is what horny, high-flying businesswoman Alex instructs similarly-sexed Ryan in Up in the Air. “That’s the one line I practiced over and over again in front of the mirror,” vows VERA FARMIGA. “It’s a fine line to read, you know. Really, one of my favorites.” And Vera—not just her vagina—is one of ours…

The daughter of Ukrainian immigrants, Farmiga didn’t learn English until age six {accounting for her unusual—and unusually sexy—speaking style}, and hoped to become an optometrist. Instead becoming an eyeful, she smiles: “Hey, I’m a girl and my main motivation to accept the role was the fact that I got to ‘dance’ with George Clooney.” Horizontally: “George is a great kisser,” Vera vouches. “Very gentle, not aggressive—I have to stop now or else my husband will get mad.”

Her spouse of 18 months, Renn Hawkey, is a carpenter—and his wife is built — but there’s a reason why he nailed her: “My husband is the best kisser in the world!” the ravisher raves. “He’s just mind-blowing! George can’t keep up with that. But of course, he asked me how it was with George, and I lied.”

Her derrière also deceived…since Vera admits she “used a body double” for their sex scene that showed her “fully nude” from behind: “The breast milk down both sides,” the new mother explains, “it would have been inappropriate.” Yet she felt Clooney’s crack should have made the cut: “I think that was the one directorial misstep on {director} Jason Reitman’s part,” the Syracuse grad grins. “I think it would have been so much fun to see George’s hairy butt.”

Vera’s ballbuster blonde concludes her affair with the hard-Up Clooney by breaking it off via cell phone from her car: “I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You’re a break from our normal lives. You’re a parenthesis.”

(And she’s a piece of ass)

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS NOMINEE: Maggie Gyllenhaal for Crazy Heart

Sleuth has been ”Crazy” about Maggie ever since she stole his “Heart” in 2002’s sadomasochistic Secretary. And she finally stole the Academy’s heart with a long overdue nomination in 2010 as a single mom journalist “falling for her troubled singer subject,” Best Actor winner Jeff Bridges, in Crazy Heart.

“My brother Jake said, ‘It’s a lot of fun, and enjoy it in that spirit,’” Maggie mused {the Gyllenhaals are just the fifth brother-and-sister duo* ever to nab nods from Oscar}. “He added, ‘If you make it too much more than that, you’ll probably go astray.’”

Maggie first went astray with extensive full frontal nudity in Secretary: “A lot of things that were proposed, I just knew they were gratuitous,” she smiled about the kinky cavortings. “Some scenes, on the other hand, would be great reasons to show my body.”

But don’t expect to see her jigglin’ gyllenhaals in every film she does! “After Secretary,” she stated in 2008, “people knew that I’d get naked, but I won’t get naked for anything—only if it makes sense.”

It made sense in Sherrybaby — the 2006 true story of a drug-addicted thief for which Maggie received her second Golden Globe nomination…and released her pair of golden globes! But what doesn’t make sense is how she could have protested about the scene in Secretary where her employer {James Spader} bathes her that, “You just don’t need to see my tits, you just don’t need to!”

Alas, we’re not the boss of her …

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* The other brother/sister Oscar nominated pairs were: Ethel and Lionel Barrymore, Shirley MacLaine and Warren Beatty, Jane and Peter Fonda, and most recently, Julia and Eric Roberts.

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BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS WINNER: Mo’Nique for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

“If Mo doesn’t see any moolah, you won’t see any MO’NIQUE,” reported PopCrunch.com, when the favorite {and future winner} for the Best Supporting Actress Oscar as “a horrifyingly abusive mother” in Precious was a no-show at its world premiere: “Mo’Nique will not attend over a cash dispute with producers,” respected Roger Friedman revealed. “She has gotten herself a reputation for demanding money for showing up to promote Precious. It’s a first in Oscar history!”

As a confidante of the actress explained: “Mo’Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn’t care about ‘no Oscar’—all that mattered was ‘those Benjamins!’ {she reportedly asked for a thousand Benjamin Franklins}. Because Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry are backing the film {as executive producers}, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties.” Or, as one of her reps retorted: “It’s just supporting actress, it’s not lead, is it?”

Apparently, even her marriage might have some supporting “players”: “We have an agreement that we’ll always be honest, and if sex happens with another person, that’s not a deal breaker for us {as long as the price is right?},” Mo’Nique told the New York Times. After a backlash, the comedienne-turned-actress appeared on Oprah to complain: “When I said I had an open marriage, people automatically jumped to sex. They automatically went there.” Gee, wonder why…

Especially when she went here: “Sex is better at 40! Everything is so better now. At 20, sexually, you don’t know what you’re doing. You look for it, you find it, you lose it a few times”— is she talking about her virginity? Or that of her demonized daughter Precious, who “loses it” to her dad?!

“She is absolutely terrifying as the worst mom ever depicted on screen,” wrote one reviewer of Mo’Nique in the film. “The words she throws against her daughter are as frightening as any fists she throws.” And speaking of frightening, the then-262 pound Mo’Nique went “buck-ass naked” slathered in body paint in July 2007 to promote her Oxygen channel reality show F.A.T. CHANCE.

BTW, her real name is Monique Imes. Which, of course, contains both “I” and “me”!

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BEST ACTRESS NOMINEE: Gabourey Sidibe for Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

“With the performance of the year,” raved Harper’s Bazaar, “GABOUREY SIDIBE is reinventing what it means to be a Hollywood ‘It Girl.’” Indeed, the word “it” fits her to a T- …

“She literally just walked off the street into an open casting call,” reveals Precious producer Oprah Winfrey, “and the rest is history.” Fortunately, the actress doesn’t share her character’s history of being raped by her father and abused by her mother, though Gabby admits: “While it’s not me, it’s been me at some point. I’ve had weird teenage years where I thought I was ‘less than.’”

Now that she’s “all that,” Sidibe says: “Your body is your temple, it’s your home, and,” she chuckles, “you must decorate it.” Exterior decorators are rushing to do just that: “We’ve been offered dresses by all these huge designers,” her stylist Linda Medvene mused just prior to the Academy Awards. “It just proves that anyone can dress a full-sized woman. Working with Gabby has been so easy because she’s so comfortable with who she is, in her skin. Everyone wants to dress her.” Or, in Sleuth’s case, undress her.

Which nearly happened with the cleavage-baring red dress she wore to the L.A. premiere of Precious: “It was so va va voom,” Gabourey grins, “my boobs looked so good in it! I had diamonds on too. Diamonds really do it.”

Apparently, so does sex-crazed Sibide: “If fashion was porn,” Gabby bad-libbed to red-faced Ryan Seacrest on the Oscars red carpet, “this dress is the money shot !” Ca-ching!!

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BEST ACTRESS NOMINEE: Carey Mulligan for An Education

“While the film was great,” one critic wrote of An Education, “CAREY MULLIGAN’s performance was another level. It’s absolutely one of the best I’ve seen this year and she’s a lock for getting nominated come awards season.” And when Oscar came calling, Carey described the notable nod as being like “a good, friendly punch to the stomach.” Just so long as it didn’t damage the chest!

She plays Jenny, a 16-year-old “schoolgirl in early-1960s London who falls for a charming and mysterious older man {played by Peter Sarsgaard, who in real life shares his bed—and a few extra a’s—with wife and fellow nominee Maggie Gyllenhaal} and soon finds herself in over her head socially and emotionally.”

As 24-year-old Carey would have, eight years ago: “I was a real tomboy until I was 15,” she reveals, “—I didn’t have my first kiss until a month away from being 16.” Then she met kinky Keira Knightley while playing her younger sister in Pride & Prejudice. “So I just copied everything Keira did for weeks. That was a mad hippie summer—a party every weekend, lots of jumping naked into the lake.”

Carey jumped naked into bed in 2007’s obscure And When Did You Last See Your Father?…and took to it swimmingly—stripping again for this month’s The Greatest. “Ultimately though, in An Education’s Oscar wake,” Movieline mused, “The Greatest may be best remembered as the one where Carey Mulligan briefly goes topless. It arrives in limited release at the end of March”…but we expect the “release” might be quite extended amongst her growing group of male fans.

After all, isn’t a free second shot {of Carey’s berries} already known as “a Mulligan”?

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BEST ACTRESS NOMINEE: Helen Mirren for The Last Station

“I didn’t feel I had to do some kind of impersonation,” HELEN MIRREN felt about portraying Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy’s wife in The Last Station—which gave her a foursome of Oscar nominations and added nude meaning to Tolstoy’s epic “War and Piece.” Muses Mirren: “I could’ve muddied the waters by going back and saying ‘Oh, she didn’t look like this. She wouldn’t have done that. She didn’t do that,” but decided “Sofya wasn’t a well-enough-known character” to have to do that.

And, let’s be honest, there’s little heavenly Helen wouldn’t…or didn’t do. “It fit me like two angels’ hands,” the Dame said of the skintight, flesh-colored gown she wore to accept her Academy Award in 2007 for The Queen. “It was made for me, so I didn’t have to wear any underwear.”

Not bloody likely that she would anyway … having called her infamous X-rated flick Caligula “an irresistible mix of art and genitals.” Of often baring her bod that seems sculpted by “two angels’ hands,” Mirren maintains: “Flesh sells. People don’t want to see pictures of churches. They want to see naked bodies!”

Amen. Churches are not what Sleuth a•spires to {ahem}. And Helen’s God-given gifts were best attested to 38 years ago {she was a 38-C} in Savage Messiah, when she first bared her London Derry•hair. Hallelu-yeah!!!!

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BEST ACTRESS NOMINEE: Meryl Streep for Julie & Julia

“I wanted to have a caption in the credits: ‘Inspired by Julia Child,’” reveals MERYL STREEP, who received her record sixteenth Oscar nomination for portraying the celebrated chef in Julie & Julia. “I was an idea {Julie’s} of Julia Child. So I felt some freedom to do whatever I wanted.”

“I don’t look like Sharon Stone,” Streep sighed in the 1990s. “I’m not built like her. I don’t feel the need to stay in shape because I don’t take my clothes off in movies.” Maybe not intentionally…but marvelous Meryl struck a blow for “freedom” by letting a nip slip while snorting cocaine in the 2002 film Adaptation !

“Everyone wants fuckable women in movies,” the actress-for-the-ages hisses. “In this culture, fuckable women are young and thin and up to maybe 34 or 35.” And, she adds: “It’s very sweet to know what’s inside people’s hearts instead of what underneath their clothes.” Or inside their blouses?

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