“At the Olympics,” the New York Times observes, “figure skating is more exposed to the world than ever in all its tacky, hi-def glory…it’s easy to make fun.” Don’t mind if we do…

In perhaps sport’s worst self-inflicted wound since football’s Plaxico Burress, basketball’s Gilbert Arenas and baseball’s Mark McGwire shot themselves in the foot, wallet and buttocks, respectively, Russian Ice Dance world champions OKSANA DOMNINA and partner Maxim Shabalin “went way over the top” with “a controversial Aboriginal dance,” wrote The Australian newspaper, “that featured red loin cloths, white body paint and leaves around their necks, arms and legs. And the pair still don’t understand what the fuss is about!” After winning Worlds with the routine, protests led the couple to tone down their costumes for the recent Olympics: “I don’t know why it’s offensive,” Maxim maintained, “but we changed it”—though not by much.

Oksana was actually pleased with “all the attention. It showed that we touched something.” Mostly each other…as the live-in lovers performed a Kama Skatra to the Aboriginal music with a series of “erotic lifts” involving positions that looked to all the world that Max was “in the bush“!

“What do you consider erotic?” Oksana purred. “The ISU {International Skating Union} pushed us to do erotic lifts by introducing these new rules. Take the splits for example {make that X•sample}. How can you look ‘decent’ when you’re upside down, with your skirt rolled up?” And your head climbing your man’s Ayers ‘Rock’!

Yet in the previous Olympics, Oksana was more Out•Front than Outback…earning extra points in 2006 with a winning nip slip that showed this year’s bronze medalists should next consider going for the gold in Pairs when the Games convene in their country in 2012 …

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“For the first time in months, I am excited to read the latest news in women’s tennis,” tour reporter James Martin gushed two weeks ago. “That’s women’s tennis. It’s no secret that the WTA {Women’s Tennis Association} Tour is coming off a rough season. Aside from the triumphant return of Kim Clijsters to win the U.S. Open {the first mother to win a major title  in nearly 30 years!}, 2009 was marred by mediocre tennis and little to talk about. But with the return of former World No. 1 Justine Henin this week in Brisbane, Australia, we could be on the verge of a new era.” Make that vage …

Clijsters and Henin were both born in Belgium—just one year and one week apart … and shocked the tennis world by abruptly retiring—again, a year and a week apart: Kim on May 7, 2007, followed by Justine on May 14, 2008.  And they also returned to the sport a year apart—with Clijsters edging Henin in an epic three set tiebreaker final of the Brisbane International Tournament earlier this month. “Huh, what a match!” Kim cooed after they met at the net following Justine’s first event in 20 months! “I don’t think anybody, not even in Belgium, anywhere in the world, expected this would ever happen again! I think we set the bar pretty high for ourselves. It’s nice to be a part of this.” But it’s a particular “part” that we’ve seen fit to focus on … and we’ve set the bar pretty low.

Based on a classic New Yorker cartoon, a 1969 comedy movie about whirlwind European vacations declared: If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium … and with this dynamic duo, it “seams” that the national flower of their “moist native land” is two lips {Justine’s being so prominent you can see her Brussels Sprout}! “The Belgian pair grew up playing together,” ESPN.com comments, “Clijsters saying they shared rooms while traveling for under-12 tournaments {getting their licks in on opposite ends}, winning the Federation Cup as teammates and then becoming friendly rivals, before eventually going down separate paths.” But there’s clearly one “path” they still share … with everyone!

“You can always count on Justine Henin for a classic camel toe!,” mused one prominent sports blog. “Sometimes her panties seem to be parted down the middle.” For those new to the expression, “camel toe” comes from the clearly defined delineation of a dromedary’s digits … or in today’s slang, a damsel in dis•dress! Kim is more coy—preferring to proffer a “back toe” while serving up a winner! Few can match Henin’s trademark “in your face” {we wish!} vertical wedgie … aka veggie … yet Kim trumped her “ace” by actually showing  “beaver cleavage” … aka “beavage” … with her meat curtains clearly visible—especially in closeup through her sheer scanties!

Ironically, one of the more popular euphemisms for camel toe appears to be “crotch waffle” … and what country could be more associated with mouth-watering waffles than Belgium! Amazingly, the “most common type available in Belgium,” according to Wikipedia, is “The Liege Waffle,” from the eastern city of Liege—birthplace of … you guessed it … Justine Henin! And wouldn’t you know, the Liege Waffle is described by Wiki as “a richer, denser,  sweeter, chewier waffle”—just like juicy Justine’s moist mons! Why, it even “features chunks of pearl sugar!” And clearly Clijsters {a name that evokes endless anatomic anagrams} is well defined by her prominent cleft!

Lest we forget the upper regions of the ladies and their beloved Belgium—which is, after all, located at the North West tip of Europe—let us conclude with a pair of rare Sleuthian finds:  flatchested Justine spied topless on the beach, while full-figured Kim reclines in the sand and declines her bikini top! So we leave you with this advice for all tennis buffs: If you can’t speak Belgian, try reading lips …

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