“If Lucille Ball is the Queen of Television,” the 1980s book TV Sirens opines, ” BETTY WHITE is its Princess.” Or, as her late Golden Girls co-star Estelle Getty put it: “The whole country’s in love with Betty White. The minute you meet her, you know why.  She’s Miss America!” Well, a few of them have posed nude too!!

Voted “Best Looking” in her class at Beverly Hills High, the six-time Emmy winner {her first was as Outstanding Lead Actress for Life With Elizabeth in 1952} has just received her greatest honor: a Lifetime Achievement Award from her peers of the Screen Actors Guild (aka “SAG”). “I was only 88 last Sunday {born January 17, 1922 in Oak Park, Illinois},” Betty vowed, “so I have lots more stuff to do.” But stuffing … her bra … is one thing this fine-figure of an actress has never had to do!

“Seventy-one years ago when I sang on an experimental thing and it was called ‘television,’” Betty gushed upon receiving her SAG award, “who would have dreamed it would culminate in an evening like this!” Or that Betty’s successor as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ SAG Best Actress awardee Sandra Bullock—whom she got to “feel up” in The Proposal—would introduce her by saying: “Yes, I know a lot of people find Betty White inspiring. Me, I find Betty White annoying. I’m sorry, it’s true!” Not to be outdone, the Golden Girl held Bullock’s hand and nearly brought her to tears—accepting the award by sighing of Sandy: “Isn’t it heartening to see how far a girl as plain as she is can go?”—as Miss Congeniality and the audience broke up.

Genuinely “touched and appreciative” of the award, White concluded: “It would never even have occurred to me to imagine this. This is the highest point of my entire professional life.” One of Sleuth’s came when, in his very first issue back in 1985, we featured Betty in the Buff … on a deck of playing cards! Perhaps more than anything else, that photo “find” contributed to our fledgling publication’s success—boosted by Betty appearing on the October 1, 1985 show of Late Night with David Letterman … where he confronted her with the magazine!

“Now what’s with these earmuffs?” Letterman laughed–showing the audience her aural augmentation {while covering the bare chest}, which mirrored her covering curls in this vintage 1940s publicity pose taken just a few years later. “You didn’t do this, did you?” he asked incredulously. “I don’t know,” Betty stammered—clearly taken aback. “It must have been awfully chilly in the studio that day! It does look like me,” she admitted, “except the ear muffs would not have been there—they would have been here!” {pointing to her chest}. Her chest has never been a laughing matter … and check out the identical eyebrows, nose and dimples—facial features that rarely change over time {without surgery}—in this side-by-side com•pair•ison!

“It’s somebody who looks an awful lot like you!” Dave persisted … prompting Betty to backtrack: “Well,” quipped the blushing Rose, “Rue McClanahan swears that they used her body and pasted on my head!” There was hardly PhotoShop back when this strip poker card surfaced in the early 1940s … but if you have any doubts, we’ve blown up the “stacked” deck so you can clearly see it has the “White Stuff!”

The resultant publicity caused us to set up a special hotline to handle the overflow of orders … helping our initial issue sell an astounding 121,000 copies! So looking back, we might “largely” have The Happy Homemaker to thank for putting food on our table this past quarter century! And looking front, Betty also draws kudos: “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!” is her credo—though she stopped short of actually posing for this infamous  “Golden Girls Gone Wild” portrait. “We all have boobs and bottoms,” she first declared in 1990, “they’re just a little wider and lower than they used to be.” But much less than you’d think: For while a February 1989 episode of the Golden Girls wondered if Betty’s character Rose could still “get a rise out of her boyfriend?”—all up in arms in a pose recalling her younger days—White managed to wow the crowd even after stealing the show from Sandra. “This year’s winner of SAG’s 46th annual Lifetime Achievement Award,” wrote the L.A. Times, “heated up the ice-cold press room by showing off a slit in her sparkling turquoise gown that went riiiiiiiiiiight up to—oh, my, it went quite high” {where are those muffs when you need ‘em?}.

But it was the opening up top that caught Sleuth’s eye: When an 88-year-old woman wins a SAG award, the jokes generally take on a certain gravity … but as Betty’s bodice slipped lower and lower while Bullock’s barbs warmed up the frozen January joint, there definitely seemed to be a bit of a nip in the air! “I can’t settle now into a nice, dignified approach, as would become a woman my age,” Betty White recently remarked. “I still smart off. Many times I wish I hadn’t—but it just pops out.”

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“I did not feel good about doing the interview,” mam•nificent MEREDITH VIEIRA explained on The Today Show why she turned down the coveted first sit-down with parolee Paris Hilton after she left prison in 2007. “I just said, ‘I don’t think this is right, this is all about ratings. We’re better than this. It’s good to have your own kind of journalistic compass.” Even if it routinely points south …

“Vieira Mortified By ‘Naked’ Video” trumpeted the lead story on AOL earlier this month, less than 12 hours after Jay Leno “played a series of clips showing Vieira’s early days in broadcasting. He ended,” Popeater reported, “with the most revealing—a fully exposed still of the anchor on The Naked News, leaving little to the imagination.” Actually, the obvious fake left everything to the imagination! “Wow, I feel so liberated!” {and so badly photo shopped},  Meredith mused in the silly segment—professing that she “hadn’t seen the video yet” and “was taken aback by the whole charade.”. So taken aback, apparently, that she was ready with a quip about her stint on the buff broadcast: “Just one month!”—which, supposedly shocked co-hostess Ann Curry. I mean, do they think we’re all idiots {and not just the ones who get up in the wee hours of a winter morning to hold up banners hawking their legal services on national TV}?

Naturally, the “log rolling” media lined up to flog the phony story for the Emmy-winning host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire—with over 15,000 syndicated stories cropping up on Google by mid-morning. Wow, fake news travels fast! “Who was your mentor, David Letterman?” lightweight Al Roker remarked {referring to the late night host’s ongoing sex scandal}, as Ann advised: “Well, don’t try that now!” The supposedly stunned Vieira instantly interjected, “Nooo! They’re way down here now! I wouldn’t do it now.” Actually, this lovely publicity pose is probably the last time the so-called “MILF Gold Standard” ever kept her legs closed!

“The Today Show may be losing Katie Couric’s legs,” Gawker.com lamented when the longtime morning hostess moved to evening in September 2006, “but there’s still hope if Meredith Vieira takes her place: Vieira eschews underwear in favor of nature’s breeze” {eschew on this for a bit}! As the National Ledger later expanded: “Meredith Vieira appeared as a host of The View several times without wearing any underwear. Will she take this tradition to Today ? Vieira never pulled a Sharon Stone Basic Instinct type move (or did she?) on ABC’s show {Sleuth shows its small screen equivalent}}, but according to AOL’s TMZ, she finds wearing underwear with pantyhose redundant” {as guest host David “Stretch” Gregory of Meet The Press shockingly found out}.

“I tend to mouth off now because it’s the freedom I haven’t had,” Meredith opens up. “Sometimes I think, ‘God, did I just say for the sixteenth time that I don’t wear underpants and that my husband pokes me when I’m sleeping?’” Saying she “prefers leotards and pantyhose to panties,” Vieira later seemed vexed when reminded of it: “Someone said it was in an article,” she sniffed, “and ‘Why would you give the job to someone who doesn’t wear underwear?’ What difference does it make? It’s not like I’m sitting there with my legs open” {well, on occasion}.

“How long before Meredith Vieira tells Matt Lauer she isn’t wearing any panties?” an in•quiring mind asked Yahoo when she took Today by storm {chill out, Matt}! No wonder that when Meredith asked guest Stephen Colbert this past March, “Do you Twitter…Tweet?,” the rogue Report-er replied: “I have Twatted.” “Oh my gosh,” Vieira gasped. “Well, actually, so have I !”  Indeed … but at least the first-generation Portuguese proved she didn’t have a Brazilian when she found herself going to the dogs in a hairy moment while “twatting” on Today !

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Sleuth has been on a figure-finding mission to Europe over the past three weeks … it’s a tough job but someone—ME—has got to do it … and thus missed the death on Thursday of Farrah Fawcett. Alas, many seem to have missed it, since the demise of singer Michael Jackson just hours later seems to have overshadowed her  in the media {like this 10-year-old kiss-off}. Fitting then, that on the day she’s laid to rest in a private ceremony, we publicly note her brave battle and sad passing.

“She’s gone,” sobbed longtime love Ryan O’Neal. “She now belongs to the ages {with apologies to Abraham Lincoln!}. She’s in a better place now.” There are few worse places to get cancer than in the anus, though an article in today’s Washington Post headlined: “Cancer That Killed Fawcett Is Rare but Often Treatable.” In fact, anal cancer strikes only about 5,000 Americans a year—compared to 215,000 cases of lung cancer—and according to the American Cancer Society: “It occurs most often in people who have many sexual partners, have receptive anal intercourse or have a weakened immune system” from drug use {widely rumored after her dazed demeanor with David Letterman in 2004}.

Farrah was just 62—it seems like only yesterday she was halfway there—so we prefer to remember her finer points: the ever-erect duo on her chest! “I can’t really put my finger on why the show is such a big hit,” the sexy starlet said when Charlie’s Angels took off in 1976 … so let’s tweak her memory: “Farrah’s major focal point on the show was her very erect nipples that were always pushing against her too-tight shirts,” notes the AngelsForever.com tribute site. “When the show was number three [in the ratings],” Farrah later quipped, “I figured it was our acting. When we got to be number one I decided it was only because none of us wears a bra.” That should put any other explanation to bed …

Once Farrah’s “very erect nipple” pushed too hard on “her too-tight shirt” … and managed to escape on prime-time television (a broadcast first!) at the same time she and Angels Jaclyn Smith and Kate jackson were escaping from prison in its highest-rated episode ever, 1976’s Angels in Chains. And it also managed to escape the network censors! Admits series producer Leonard Goldberg: “Angels in Chains was my favorite episode. The show got a 56 share {more than half the homes watching TV}! The rerun got a 52 share. I told Aaron Spelling we should just run it every week until it dropped below 40.”

Or in Farrah’s case, 33½ B. “In high school,” Fawcett admitted {her 1964 senior pic from W.B. Ray High in Corpus Christi, Texas}, “the football players all went for the girls with tremendous bosoms, and I was a little flat, if you know what I mean”—as Raquel reveals in Farrah’s Myra Breckinridge debut. So a•pair•ently she decided to remedy the tit•uation, boosting her bust to a 36D. Clearly she was drawn to the enlarged assets, even painting her pert pair in her mid-40s!

Yet her God-given gifts were sufficient to send her 1976 poster over the top: it remains the best-selling wall-hanging of all-time! “The key was Nipples,” her agent Jay Bernstein boasted. “Those nipples reached every guy going through puberty” {rare outtakes from the swimsuit session}. They also reached the Sleuth guy … my Collection includes an extremely hard-to-get original poster signed by Farrah just two months before her death!

We can’t think of a more (form) fitting farewell … as she takes a final bow.  R.I.P., FF.

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Last week the HBO series Big Love concluded its third year with a bang, a fitting finale to what the L.A. Times called “a terrific season.” As its east coast counterpart, New York magazine marveled: “Can Big Love Possibly Get Any Better?” Happily, HBO agrees: “As the series’ lead character contemplates a fourth wife,” noted Variety after just four episodes this February, “HBO has committed to a fourth season of its polygamy-themed drama Big Love.” As a spokesman for the network noted: “The stellar reviews and solid viewership {averaging 5 million per episode} this season confirm that this is a signature series for HBO. The show keeps getting better and better. I can’t wait to see what they have planned for Season Four.” Coming in January…

“Everyone’s favorite family of Utah polygamists are back,” raved one review this January. Quipped another: “By a rough count, the Henrickson family was guilty of six of the seven Deadly Sins in last night’s episode”—no one could ever accuse them of sloth! As critic Emily Nussbaum enumerated: “Man, what a kinky episode of Big Love—dishing up one graphic sequence for each sister-wife: a Bill-on-Barb makeout session cut short by interruption, ‘naughty-girl’ oral sex between Bill and Margene, and ‘good girl’ petticoat intercourse with Nicki. Bill Henrickson may be trapped in every man’s dream—three naked ladies!—but he’s also living every man’s nightmare: relationship processing so endless it might paralyze a 70s lesbian cooperative.”

Fifty-five years ago, the strangest show on television was entitled I Led Three Lives, the true account of advertising executive turned Communist Party infiltrator Herbert Philbrick, which became the favorite show of 12-year-old future assassin Lee Harvey Oswald: “He became really engrossed in that particular show,” believes brother Robert Oswald.  “The fact that he could put on a facade and pretend to be somebody he wasn’t—to me, it gets down to what happened later on.” Today, Big Love could be subtitled, I Wed Three Wives, as star Bill Paxton can barely watch the Three Ring Circus that revolves around him! And like Three Lives, the HBO series is inspired by real life—based on a Texan known only as Brian, the subject of a 2006 Learning Channel documentary titled My Husband’s Three Wives.

“If there’s a better written, better acted, more originally conceived show on television,” Matt Fowler of the L.A. Times wrote of Big Love on 2/5/09, “I defy you to name it.” Just 24 days later, wife #2 Chloë Sevigny came the closest: “I was watching some episodes the other night and I was like, ‘This is the weirdest show I’ve ever seen in my life!,” she smiled. “And then my friend was over, and she said, ‘Yeah, weirdest show since Twin Peaks.’” She took the words right out of my mouth…

Sleuth holds this original 1989 VHS cassette of the not-yet-aired pilot {April 8th, 1990} as a treasured icon, and still laments that the landmark series ended on his birthday {June 10th, 1991}. “It was the first of its kind,” observes one TV historian, “and raised the bar on the look of television series.  Twin Peaks tested the limits of prime-time television {at either extreme before places like HBO had stepped into the game.” And that’s where we step in…

The two shows share some eerie similarities: Both had a core quartet at the center of the action, with three hot women always up in arms. Yet, if the “king” played his cards right, he might score a four-way! Each then branched out into family trees that required an org chart to unravel, featuring no shortage of crazed villains in various guises—including false prophets steeped in scripture. And who can ignore the ravishing resemblance between Twin totty Sherilyn Fenn and Love lust object Ginnifer Goodwin, who maintained the same sexpot aura when both went briefly blonde? Why, each even knew her way around a ripe cherry pie! Or a cherry stem—Fenn’s Audrey tying it in a knot with her tongue paid tribute to a true talent of castmate Mädchen Amick!

The series also shared a comely cross-dresser {David Duchovny pre-X Files} and a terrorized transvestite {Roman’s sister Selma}…not to mention a tall, bald and menacing stranger popping up from time to time. And they don’t get much stranger than Grace Zabriskie—called upon as Laura’s loony mother on Peaks and Bill’s beserk mom on Love ! Will we ever erase the memory of her Lois telling Bruce Dern, as hated husband Frank: “I’ll let you come in the back door” if he hands over the hidden cash? “If I want an old caboose,” he smirks, “I’ll call Union Pacific.” The edgy shows also had in common a logo for the ages: a haunting theme song that’s become a classic; a beautiful blond waitress in a diner looking for love; and even a raped runaway clad in virginal white. But let’s be honest, most of all the two shows offered a plethora of prime-time pulchritude!

Sleuth used to jokingly call Twin Peaks‘ Snoqualmie Falls, Washington location {where the show’s sign stood},  “The Babe Capital of the Pacific Northwest” … and now Big Love’s Sandy, Utah exteriors {Triplet Peaks?} make it “The Babe Capital of the Mountain West!” But the hottie quotient is hardly limited to The Big Three or the Mormon Trifecta … there are more carnal cast members than the Log Lady or the Log Man can shake a stick at! Beginning with the very first line of the very first show of Peaks: “She’s day-ud. Wrapped in plastic,” forlorn fisherman Pete Martell moans in the 911 call that opened the pilot. “She” was Laura Palmer–the prom queen with a past embodied by Sheryl Lee, a local girl from Seattle whom director David Lynch intended to cast, due to budget restraints, “just to play a dead girl.” Reveals Lynch: “But no one had any idea that she could act {she bloody well could!}, or that she was going to be so powerful just being dead”–both during and after the show {as a spokescorpse for PETA}.

Not so enduring was the happy but hapless husband who found her body,  played by Jack Nance  of Eraserhead cult fame, who married Kelly Van Dyke {Sleuth somehow found their wedding photo!} a mere month before Twin Peaks’ final episode. With his show salary no longer coming in, the daughter of comedian Jerry Van Dyke {playing brother Dick’s brother on the latter’s classic sitcom} secretly sought to capitalize on dad’s role on the series Coach by starring in a porn film called The Coach’s Daughter under the name Nancee Kellie {a play on Kelly Nance}. Instead she used the money on drugs, and after her final film Anal Adventures, the end came quickly: When Jack told her over the phone he was leaving, a crushed Kelly hanged herself on Nov. 17, 1991, just 6 months into their marriage! Distraught, her Peaks partner was day-ud within 5 years…falling down drunk and hitting his eraserhead on the bathroom floor. He lives on like Laura, whose body he unearthed, in Twin t-shirts worn over the Peaks whose sales never seem to die.

With all this booty, I feel it my duty to link the lovely ladies from Twin Peaks (listed first) and Big Love, grouped with their character counterparts beneath descriptions often quoted directly from their cast bios. And since Peaks revolved around the two lawmen’s love of donuts—which they devoured by the stacked dozen—while the governing body of the Mormons is the Council of the Twelve Apostles, dubbed “The Twelve” when established in 1835 {two have no surviving images; the handsome head shown first is none other than Brigham Young!}—it seems only fitting that we present the “Dirty Dozen” below…

Similar Archetypes on Twin Peaks and Big Love :

1.  Teen beauty queen turned “charitable pillar of the community” and major M.I.L.F.
PEGGY LIPTON as Norma Jennings, former Miss Twin Peaks, nude in rare photoshoot
JEANNE TRIPPLEHORN as Barb Henrickson, mother of three, nude in Basic Instinct

2.  “Goody two-shoes” from deranged family with powerful father who’s not what he seems
LARA FLYNN BOYLE as Donna Hayward, daughter of town doctor, nude in The Road to Wellville
CHLOË SEVIGNY as Nicolette Grant, daughter of ‘ The Prophet,’ nude in frontal photoshoot

3.  Sultry nymphet who’s much more savvy and kind than she seems and has head for business
SHERILYN FENN as Audrey Horne, secret half-sister of Donna, rare autographed nude
GINNIFER GOODWIN as Margene Heffman, secret sister-wife of Nicki, spied-on having sex in Big Love

4.  17-year-old blond beauty, “a figurehead of youthful innocence and purity,” with a secret sex life
SHERYL LEE as Laura Palmer, whose death is the catalyst for the series, nude in Backbeat
AMANDA SEYFRIED as Sarah Henrickson, whose pregnancy shapes the season, nude in Alpha Dog

5.  “Manipulative and cold-blooded” wealthy wife who “can’t be trusted”
JOAN CHEN as Josie Packard, tries to kill Agent Cooper and first husband, nude in Wild Side
MARY KAY PLACE as Adaleen Grant, tries to kill anyone who crosses husband, nude in Captain Ron

6.  Wife of “a monstrous home dictator, wife-beater, and dangerous criminal” who controls her life
MÄDCHEN AMICK as Shelly Johnson, angelic high school dropout wife of Leo, nude in Dream Lover
ANNE DUDEK as Laura Grant, seemingly sweet home-schooled wife of Alby, nude in Park

7.  “High-voiced childlike” waif who gets pregnant and marries presumed father of her child
KIMMY ROBERTSON as Lucy Moran, quiet but conflicted sheriff’s receptionist, nude in Bad Manners
MELORA WALTERS as Wanda Henrickson, “at least mildly insane” poisoner, nude in Desert Saints

8.  Middle aged wife and mother, estranged from family and “cold and calculating,” {but still ‘hot’}
PIPER LAURIE as Catherine Martell, gets revenge on Josie for killing her brother, nude in Ruby
ELLEN BURSTYN as Nancy Dutton, gets revenge on Barb and Bill by siding with sister, nude in Tropic of Cancer

9.  Cold blooded, “repressed bitch” disapproving of alternate lifestyles
BRENDA STRONG as Ms. Jones, assassin who tries to rub out Sheriff Harry Truman, nude in Undercurrents
JUDITH HOAG as Cindy Dutton-Price, Barb’s sister who gets her excommunicated, nude in Carnivale

10. Busty, fresh-faced “Cherry Pie” teen ripe for the ‘plucking’
HEATHER GRAHAM as Annie Blackburn, who gives herself to Agent Cooper, nude in Killing Me Softly
SARAH JONES as Brynn, curly haired cutie who takes virginity of gentle Ben, ‘losing it’ on Big Love

11. Exotic and sexy immigrant who finds menial job to make ends meet while keeping her pride
LISA ANN CABASA as Jenny (3rd from left), perfume counter girl at Horne’s Dept. Store, nude in Wild at Heart
BRANKA KATIC as Ana, counter waitress who became Bill’s 4th wife, bra in bed in The Truth About Love

12. Budding beauty and music prodigy, the youngest of several sisters, who dreams of stardom
ALICIA WITT as Gersten Hayward, Donna’s little sister whose piano skills are featured, bareback in 9/00 pose
DAVEIGH CHASE as Rhonda Volmer, psycho singer and Roman’s bride-to-be, buns on the beach in 9/07 candid

Reviewer Sara Cardace’s conclusion to the 2009 season of Big Love might equally apply to both the Polygamists and their Peaks predecessors: “The terror of being exposed, which once simmered under the dialogue in almost every scene, has died down, to a far-off-in-the-future problem that doesn’t seem to bother anyone all that much.” Least of all us …

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