In perhaps sport’s worst self-inflicted wound since football’s Plaxico Burress, basketball’s Gilbert Arenas and baseball’s Mark McGwire shot themselves in the foot, wallet and buttocks, respectively, Russian Ice Dance world champions OKSANA DOMNINA and partner Maxim Shabalin “went way over the top” with “a controversial Aboriginal dance,” wrote The Australian newspaper, “that featured red loin cloths, white body paint and leaves around their necks, arms and legs. And the pair still don’t understand what the fuss is about!” After winning Worlds with the routine, protests led the couple to tone down their costumes for the recent Olympics: “I don’t know why it’s offensive,” Maxim maintained, “but we changed it”—though not by much.

Oksana was actually pleased with “all the attention. It showed that we touched something.” Mostly each other…as the live-in lovers performed a Kama Skatra to the Aboriginal music with a series of “erotic lifts” involving positions that looked to all the world that Max was “in the bush“!

“What do you consider erotic?” Oksana purred. “The ISU {International Skating Union} pushed us to do erotic lifts by introducing these new rules. Take the splits for example {make that X•sample}. How can you look ‘decent’ when you’re upside down, with your skirt rolled up?” And your head climbing your man’s Ayers ‘Rock’!

Yet in the previous Olympics, Oksana was more Out•Front than Outback…earning extra points in 2006 with a winning nip slip that showed this year’s bronze medalists should next consider going for the gold in Pairs when the Games convene in their country in 2012 …

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Olympic Ice Dancing: Outback & Out•Front is a post from: The SleuthSayer

Voted “Best Looking” in her class at Beverly Hills High, the six-time Emmy winner {her first was as Outstanding Lead Actress for Life With Elizabeth in 1952} has just received her greatest honor: a Lifetime Achievement Award from her peers of the Screen Actors Guild (aka “SAG”). “I was only 88 last Sunday {born January 17, 1922 in Oak Park, Illinois},” Betty vowed, “so I have lots more stuff to do.” But stuffing … her bra … is one thing this fine-figure of an actress has never had to do!

“Seventy-one years ago when I sang on an experimental thing and it was called ‘television,’” Betty gushed upon receiving her SAG award, “who would have dreamed it would culminate in an evening like this!” Or that Betty’s successor as ‘America’s Sweetheart,’ SAG Best Actress awardee Sandra Bullock—whom she got to “feel up” in The Proposal—would introduce her by saying: “Yes, I know a lot of people find Betty White inspiring. Me, I find Betty White annoying. I’m sorry, it’s true!” Not to be outdone, the Golden Girl held Bullock’s hand and nearly brought her to tears—accepting the award by sighing of Sandy: “Isn’t it heartening to see how far a girl as plain as she is can go?”—as Miss Congeniality and the audience broke up.

Genuinely “touched and appreciative” of the award, White concluded: “It would never even have occurred to me to imagine this. This is the highest point of my entire professional life.” One of Sleuth’s came when, in his very first issue back in 1985, we featured Betty in the Buff … on a deck of playing cards! Perhaps more than anything else, that photo “find” contributed to our fledgling publication’s success—boosted by Betty appearing on the October 1, 1985 show of Late Night with David Letterman … where he confronted her with the magazine!

“Now what’s with these earmuffs?” Letterman laughed–showing the audience her aural augmentation {while covering the bare chest}, which mirrored her covering curls in this vintage 1940s publicity pose taken just a few years later. “You didn’t do this, did you?” he asked incredulously. “I don’t know,” Betty stammered—clearly taken aback. “It must have been awfully chilly in the studio that day! It does look like me,” she admitted, “except the ear muffs would not have been there—they would have been here!” {pointing to her chest}. Her chest has never been a laughing matter … and check out the identical eyebrows, nose and dimples—facial features that rarely change over time {without surgery}—in this side-by-side com•pair•ison!

“It’s somebody who looks an awful lot like you!” Dave persisted … prompting Betty to backtrack: “Well,” quipped the blushing Rose, “Rue McClanahan swears that they used her body and pasted on my head!” There was hardly PhotoShop back when this strip poker card surfaced in the early 1940s … but if you have any doubts, we’ve blown up the “stacked” deck so you can clearly see it has the “White Stuff!”

The resultant publicity caused us to set up a special hotline to handle the overflow of orders … helping our initial issue sell an astounding 121,000 copies! So looking back, we might “largely” have The Happy Homemaker to thank for putting food on our table this past quarter century! And looking front, Betty also draws kudos: “If you’ve got it, flaunt it!” is her credo—though she stopped short of actually posing for this infamous  “Golden Girls Gone Wild” portrait. “We all have boobs and bottoms,” she first declared in 1990, “they’re just a little wider and lower than they used to be.” But much less than you’d think: For while a February 1989 episode of the Golden Girls wondered if Betty’s character Rose could still “get a rise out of her boyfriend?”—all up in arms in a pose recalling her younger days—White managed to wow the crowd even after stealing the show from Sandra. “This year’s winner of SAG’s 46th annual Lifetime Achievement Award,” wrote the L.A. Times, “heated up the ice-cold press room by showing off a slit in her sparkling turquoise gown that went riiiiiiiiiiight up to—oh, my, it went quite high” {where are those muffs when you need ‘em?}.

But it was the opening up top that caught Sleuth’s eye: When an 88-year-old woman wins a SAG award, the jokes generally take on a certain gravity … but as Betty’s bodice slipped lower and lower while Bullock’s barbs warmed up the frozen January joint, there definitely seemed to be a bit of a nip in the air! “I can’t settle now into a nice, dignified approach, as would become a woman my age,” Betty White recently remarked. “I still smart off. Many times I wish I hadn’t—but it just pops out.”

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Betty White Shows SAG Award is Misplaced! is a post from: The SleuthSayer

Clijsters and Henin were both born in Belgium—just one year and one week apart … and shocked the tennis world by abruptly retiring—again, a year and a week apart: Kim on May 7, 2007, followed by Justine on May 14, 2008.  And they also returned to the sport a year apart—with Clijsters edging Henin in an epic three set tiebreaker final of the Brisbane International Tournament earlier this month. “Huh, what a match!” Kim cooed after they met at the net following Justine’s first event in 20 months! “I don’t think anybody, not even in Belgium, anywhere in the world, expected this would ever happen again! I think we set the bar pretty high for ourselves. It’s nice to be a part of this.” But it’s a particular “part” that we’ve seen fit to focus on … and we’ve set the bar pretty low.

Based on a classic New Yorker cartoon, a 1969 comedy movie about whirlwind European vacations declared: If It’s Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium … and with this dynamic duo, it “seams” that the national flower of their “moist native land” is two lips {Justine’s being so prominent you can see her Brussels Sprout}! “The Belgian pair grew up playing together,” ESPN.com comments, “Clijsters saying they shared rooms while traveling for under-12 tournaments {getting their licks in on opposite ends}, winning the Federation Cup as teammates and then becoming friendly rivals, before eventually going down separate paths.” But there’s clearly one “path” they still share … with everyone!

“You can always count on Justine Henin for a classic camel toe!,” mused one prominent sports blog. “Sometimes her panties seem to be parted down the middle.” For those new to the expression, “camel toe” comes from the clearly defined delineation of a dromedary’s digits … or in today’s slang, a damsel in dis•dress! Kim is more coy—preferring to proffer a “back toe” while serving up a winner! Few can match Henin’s trademark “in your face” {we wish!} vertical wedgie … aka veggie … yet Kim trumped her “ace” by actually showing  “beaver cleavage” … aka “beavage” … with her meat curtains clearly visible—especially in closeup through her sheer scanties!

Ironically, one of the more popular euphemisms for camel toe appears to be “crotch waffle” … and what country could be more associated with mouth-watering waffles than Belgium! Amazingly, the “most common type available in Belgium,” according to Wikipedia, is “The Liege Waffle,” from the eastern city of Liege—birthplace of … you guessed it … Justine Henin! And wouldn’t you know, the Liege Waffle is described by Wiki as “a richer, denser,  sweeter, chewier waffle”—just like juicy Justine’s moist mons! Why, it even “features chunks of pearl sugar!” And clearly Clijsters {a name that evokes endless anatomic anagrams} is well defined by her prominent cleft!

Lest we forget the upper regions of the ladies and their beloved Belgium—which is, after all, located at the North West tip of Europe—let us conclude with a pair of rare Sleuthian finds:  flatchested Justine spied topless on the beach, while full-figured Kim reclines in the sand and declines her bikini top! So we leave you with this advice for all tennis buffs: If you can’t speak Belgian, try reading lips …

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If It’s Two Lips, This Must Be Belgium! is a post from: The SleuthSayer

“Vieira Mortified By ‘Naked’ Video” trumpeted the lead story on AOL earlier this month, less than 12 hours after Jay Leno “played a series of clips showing Vieira’s early days in broadcasting. He ended,” Popeater reported, “with the most revealing—a fully exposed still of the anchor on The Naked News, leaving little to the imagination.” Actually, the obvious fake left everything to the imagination! “Wow, I feel so liberated!” {and so badly photo shopped},  Meredith mused in the silly segment—professing that she “hadn’t seen the video yet” and “was taken aback by the whole charade.”. So taken aback, apparently, that she was ready with a quip about her stint on the buff broadcast: “Just one month!”—which, supposedly shocked co-hostess Ann Curry. I mean, do they think we’re all idiots {and not just the ones who get up in the wee hours of a winter morning to hold up banners hawking their legal services on national TV}?

Naturally, the “log rolling” media lined up to flog the phony story for the Emmy-winning host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire—with over 15,000 syndicated stories cropping up on Google by mid-morning. Wow, fake news travels fast! “Who was your mentor, David Letterman?” lightweight Al Roker remarked {referring to the late night host’s ongoing sex scandal}, as Ann advised: “Well, don’t try that now!” The supposedly stunned Vieira instantly interjected, “Nooo! They’re way down here now! I wouldn’t do it now.” Actually, this lovely publicity pose is probably the last time the so-called “MILF Gold Standard” ever kept her legs closed!

“The Today Show may be losing Katie Couric’s legs,” Gawker.com lamented when the longtime morning hostess moved to evening in September 2006, “but there’s still hope if Meredith Vieira takes her place: Vieira eschews underwear in favor of nature’s breeze” {eschew on this for a bit}! As the National Ledger later expanded: “Meredith Vieira appeared as a host of The View several times without wearing any underwear. Will she take this tradition to Today ? Vieira never pulled a Sharon Stone Basic Instinct type move (or did she?) on ABC’s show {Sleuth shows its small screen equivalent}}, but according to AOL’s TMZ, she finds wearing underwear with pantyhose redundant” {as guest host David “Stretch” Gregory of Meet The Press shockingly found out}.

“I tend to mouth off now because it’s the freedom I haven’t had,” Meredith opens up. “Sometimes I think, ‘God, did I just say for the sixteenth time that I don’t wear underpants and that my husband pokes me when I’m sleeping?’” Saying she “prefers leotards and pantyhose to panties,” Vieira later seemed vexed when reminded of it: “Someone said it was in an article,” she sniffed, “and ‘Why would you give the job to someone who doesn’t wear underwear?’ What difference does it make? It’s not like I’m sitting there with my legs open” {well, on occasion}.

“How long before Meredith Vieira tells Matt Lauer she isn’t wearing any panties?” an in•quiring mind asked Yahoo when she took Today by storm {chill out, Matt}! No wonder that when Meredith asked guest Stephen Colbert this past March, “Do you Twitter…Tweet?,” the rogue Report-er replied: “I have Twatted.” “Oh my gosh,” Vieira gasped. “Well, actually, so have I !”  Indeed … but at least the first-generation Portuguese proved she didn’t have a Brazilian when she found herself going to the dogs in a hairy moment while “twatting” on Today !

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Meredith Vieira: Who Wants To Be a Shillionaire? is a post from: The SleuthSayer

Her early years were shrouded in mystery, but in case you doubt the date, Sleuth has unearthed a copy of the actual birth certificate of “Baby Norma Jeane Mortensen”…and even the original microfiche from which it was made! Not to mention a Department of Health Certificate verifying its accuracy. And since Sleuth is all about accuracy, let’s specify that she was born at 9:30 a.m. on June 1, 1926 in the charity ward of Los Angeles Hospital, as this detailed natal chart she had done later, attests.

And while Edward Mortenson’s name is listed as her father on the birth certificate, Marilyn’s sire was almost certainly womanizing Charles Stanley Gifford, who had an affair with her lookalike mother Gladys Pearl Monroe, when they worked together as film cutters at RKO Studios in 1925. This family genealogy chart seems to seal the deal. Sleuth has learned that Gladys had married a Martin Mortensen in 1924, but they separated before she became pregnant…so the scared 23-year-old named the father as Edward Mortensen, with residence listed as “Unknown” on the birth record—hoping to avoid the “stigma of illegitimacy” for her daughter. To further cover her tracks, Gladys listed her last name as “Monroe” {her middle moniker and the source for Norma Jeane’s future nom de vroom} and the occupation of the fictional father as “Baker.”

But when the child was old enough, Marilyn recalled being shown this photo that Gladys identified as her “real father”—the cad who had deserted his lover on Christmas Eve 1925 when she told him she was pregnant! Gifford—whose wife Lillian charged him with “addiction to narcotics, abuse and associating with women of low character” in her divorce petition—had a pencil-thin mustache that reminded young Norma Jeane of then-heartthrob Clark Gable, and she thus carried the picture with her throughout her life! Near her death, she reportedly fell in love with “father figure” Gable—blatantly trying to “seduce him” by secretly going au naturel under the covers (though nudity couldn’t be shown in 1960) and then letting the sheet slip while making The Misfits, her final finished film!

Her very first nude, however, came when her troubled mom left her with a foster family just  two weeks after her birth … and, as the song goes, she “musta been a beautiful baby cuz baby look at you” then! Her second nude was taken as she played in front of the foster home of Ida and Wayne Bolender, where she spent the first 7 years of her life. And she only got more beautiful as she grew: check out this photo booth snap taken when she was just twelve! Just two years later, she was already unsurpassed.

Everyone knows her iconic images, so Sleuth prefers to include a few of the rare “firsts” from his mountain•ous Marilyn files, such as: her first ever glamour pose at age 18 in 1945; her first ever magazine cover for the airplane factory at which she was discovered, in 1946; her first ever billboard for Pabst beer; her first parking pass for the 20th Century Fox studio lot; her first starlet publicity shot; and her first national ad … for photo mounts! But what about, I hear you say, her first pubic mound?

“Throughout recorded history,” reads one review of The Seven Year Itch, “certain images and people become entrenched in the public consciousness. In 1955, wearing a dress {Sleuth even has the wardrobe test for the garment!} and standing over a subway grate, Marilyn Monroe became a sex symbol like no other. The dress flitting about in the breeze while she futilely tries to hold it in place became an image that was sought after as the very definition of sexuality. Yet, in the film quick cuts and angles stop you from actually seeing anything too revealing.” Yet they don’t stop Sleuth…

As an eyewitness to the legendary shoot in the early hours of  September 15, 1954 put it: “About 1,500 stay-up-late New Yorkers formed an audience—very appreciative, too—as the synthetic breeze unveiled the Monroe legs and nylon whatchamacallits.” What it gets called is many things…but, in this rare outtake, bountiful bush would seem to fit! “Here comes the wind machine,” recalled one lucky observer, “up goes the skirt and damned if she isn’t wearing something filmy. From back of me I hear a voice, pure New York, saying loud and clear, ‘Chees, I thought she was a real blonde!’”

The observer, a Mr. Morse, continued: “Her husband Joe DiMaggio hears it too, and this is his wife! He walks on the set, sorer than hell, and makes Marilyn go into the trailer and change into some underpants that you couldn’t see through with a spotlight” {actually two pairs}! The Yankee Clipper then stormed off the set, with what the film’s impish director Billy Wilder later called “the look of death” on his face. And when a 52-foot billboard of a mild image from the scene was erected over the theater for its opening night on Marilyn’s 29th BIRTHDAY, their marriage was dead. So, it’s only fitting that we present this one-of-a-kind rarity in its Digital Age fully expanded equivalent of her Times Square triumph! No wonder a young stringer on the scene that day recently remarked: “I hate the term ‘photo-op,’ but this was certainly the most important photo-op ever staged, notwithstanding George W. Bush landing on a battleship”—with similar, though much more padded, crotch focus.

“Do you wear underwear?” the sexy starlet was asked shortly after her nude calendar surfaced. “Men seldom jump hurdles,” MM mused, “for girls who wear girdles.” Which might explain why her next national calendar pose—for which Sleuth unearthed the original insert—was entitled “Southern Exposure“! Or that her favorite fur—a fetish inherited from her mom—was Beaver. Only when she married esteemed playwright Arthur Miller, in fact, did Marilyn finally decide to “Wear the Pants.”

Now she belongs to the Angels—amazingly, Sleuth snapped these glowing halos of light circling above her crypt when he paid homage in 1993—so let us fondly remember not only her current birthday but also her final one, on the set of the unfinished Something’s Got to Give in 1962, just days after filming her only screen nude scene {to which the cast’s card refers}. And what a fitting END it makes …

So Goodbye, Norma Jeane … and Happy 83rd Birthday {a good guess how she’d look today}! You were truly, and uniquely, A Candle in the Wind.

Cheers!, my dear. Dots all she wrote…

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Happy Birthday, Marilyn! is a post from: The SleuthSayer

“Make Me a Supermodel exists on a different level” than Tyra’s “tired” America’s Next Top Model, opined Buddy TV when the two fashion shows aired this past Wednesday. “Not only do most of the contestants actually look like working models, the challenges they are given are worlds more believable than other modeling shows. Make Me a Supermodel is about modeling first, and then Reality TV second. And Celebrity Sleuth is always about revealing reality…

The supermodels were first “made” by fashionistas Tyson Beckford and Niki Taylor, the co-hosts for Season One of Bravo’s answer to the CW’s Top Model, fronted by Top Heavy Tyra Banks. Holly Kiser, described by MenStyle.com as “the quiet one, the small-town Virginia girl saving herself for marriage (she met her fiancé in church, naturally),” beat out 13 other contestants on the initial Make Me a Supermodel “to win a spread in GQ magazine, $100,000 and a modeling contract with New York Model Management.” Not to mention this inimitable Sleuth exposure!

“There is a second season but I’m not doing it,” Taylor tersely announced in late ‘08…and not only because the pregnant poser was beginning to show. “They decided to take the show in a more…not risqué…but, just a little more” raunchy direction…and nice-girl Niki transparently balked. “Tyson Beckford has traded in a Niki for a Nicole,” it was revealed shortly thereafter. “Bravo’s Make Me a Supermodel has chosen Australian supermodel NICOLE TRUNFIO to join Beckford as a mentor to the model wannabes for the show’s upcoming season,” debuting March 4th. “Nicole will offer advice and says she may let them in on a few industry secrets”: “I have a great amount of background for them to learn from,” Nic notes, “whether or not they listen and use the advice to progress is another story.” So let’s examine the story of this mentor’s Model Behavior, shall we?

“Trunfio will offer a unique perspective to the contestants,” observed zap2it.com, “because she was the winner of the Australian forerunner TV series Search for a Supermodel {in 2000 and later finished third in the international version of the show, Supermodel of the World. “I was found on the street,” Nicole recalls. “We were shopping and this lady was following me.” The girl had doubts about the proposition, but signed with the Vivien Agency: “I was 16 and going through this really rebellious stage in my life–I had just gotten my tongue pierced. And I had no interest in modeling, because I had heard all these stories about the drugs…and the sex {Sleuth unearthed this video of Naughty Nicole}…and the backstage bitchiness.” Sleuth has only seen her backstage casualness.

Asked if there is any nude modeling from the contestants this seasons on MMASM, Nicole backed off by snapping, “Next question. No, I’m kidding”—but is otherwise laid back about the subject. “Even me and Tyson got half naked {here’s the top half, inverted nipples and all}. You just have to watch {she supplies the TV set}. It was very spontaneous,” Trunfio trills…and thrills with this mirror image candid changing! “It was not planned at all.” Why, look what just turned up! “I was skinny as a stick” starting out with her 32A bust, Nicole admits, but her shadowy figure has since filled out to a model perfect 34B-24.5-34. “I’m a lot more relaxed now and comfortable in my body”…and thus ready to get down and dirrrty.

“She’s one of those models who really isn’t scared of getting her gear off in front of the camera,” says an industry insider. “A lot of models can be very reserved when it comes to posing nude” {Nic thinks they’re all wet. Which is why, when asked last week, “What do you do if some female contestant on the show says they don’t want to go nude?,” their miffed mentor mused: “Kick them off.” One thing she wouldn’t do, it’s rumored, is kick them out … of bed! “I’m just comfortable being me,” the tomboy proclaims, while an Aussie fashion friend whispers: “I have heard that she sleeps around in Manhattan.” The question is with which sex? “All the Aussies stick together in New York–we’re so tight,” Trunfio trills. “Jessie Gomes is here,” she says of the bosom buddy model who lives in the apartment right below her and is Nic’s constant—and clinging—companion.  “We hang out every day.” Gomes hangs out beautifully, while her “best mate” drools at the prospect!

“And Gemma Ward is now here too,” says of the blonde teen she beat out on Search for a Supermodel back in 2000. Eight years later, they were “getting in touch with their ‘hippie spirit’ by sharing a beach house in Australia for a month” this past Christmas–perhaps Nicole snatched this shot of Sophie waking up one morning! Yet while Ward was reportedly “still struggling with the loss of her lover, Heath Ledger” from earlier in the year, Trunfio—who’s only been linked to one man ever, Robert DeNiro’s son Raphael—was “spotted partying with blonde supermodel Cheyenne Tozzi on a luxury yacht, cozying up to British mannequin Lily Cole, and checking out Russian Valeria Avdeyeva’s lingerie and lips.

Which brings us back to where we began: with Nicole’s “lips.” Her very first words on this year’s Make Me a Supermodel—after being lowered in a giant box—were: “Well, do I know how to make an entrance or what?! That was never more true than in early April 2007,  when Nicole strutted her stuff at FashionWeekLive in Houston … and accidentally exposed her “landing strip” on the runway in plane view! “I grew up in the Bush,” says the supermodel from Down Under about its untamed Outback…but it was her Outfront that manifest itself in full “Flaps Up!” mode! “The dress only gaped wide for a few seconds,” reveals an eyewitness to the accident, “and for just a short stretch of the runway” … yet the combination of cockpit and intake ignited ample thrusters for Nicole’s career to take flight! {Headlines were still buzzing a year and a half later.}

The fallout was felt most in her native Oz—you’d think they’d be used to seeing wool, eh mate?—with a popular teen magazine named for its girl sheep being recalled for running Nic’s wind shear: “50,000 copies pulled from the shelves so teenage girls aren’t exposed to a front-on picture of a female’s genitals,” asked one editorial writer.  “Am I mistaken, or don’t they all have them? Does this make any sense at all?” And some scribes even lauded the unconcerned T-bird for her air-ial maneuver: “Australian model Nicole Trunfio is a true professional,” a reporter remarked. “Who else could glide down a catwalk totally exposed and still keep going…and going {the Energizer ‘Cunny’} ? Nice work, girl! Hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it!” But a final observer sounded a warning: “Now watch PETA get all twisted because a model is wearing BEAVER!”

Before folding in the wings, Sleuth should notify the tower that this wasn’t the first such takeoff from the formerly Best Dressed cover girl: In 2004, she shocked spectators at the Imitation of Christ fall show {avant-garde actress Chloë Sevigny was the line’s creative director} by parading in a totally diaphanous mesh dress that had onlookers reading the labia rather than the label! “I love the runway,” Nicole gushes {her first show was Gucci…rhymes with Coochie}. “It’s something you can’t describe {oh yes we can}. I think to become a supermodel, you need to have an X-factor…it’s a mixture of outer but more inner beauty…to create iconic art that will never be forgotten.” And will never END …

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Runway "Landing Strip" is a post from: The SleuthSayer