The Anatomy Awards

When it comes to the OSCARS, Sleuth has been PUSHING THE ENVELOPE for more than two decades! In fact, when yours truly first coined the term “THE ANATOMY AWARDS” way back in 1988 for just our fifth issue ever, we were so leery of the reaction of Oscar officials that “the suits” insisted on including this disclaimer on the very first page! Nowadays, a Google search for “Anatomy Awards” returns 15 MILLION hits…

You can view this landmark issue in its entirety by subscribing, then entering the Issue Archive for 1988. We began with alphabetical uncoverage of awardees and nominees from A {Andrews, Julie} to W {Winger, Debra), since no actress with a Z surname has ever even been nominated—though Pia Zadora, a natural breasted bimbo {if not a natural blonde} infamously won a 1981 Golden Globe bought and paid for by her aging hu$band. In that first-ever “Anatomy Awards” edition,  we termed it “the most ambitious, and erotic, celebrity gold digging ever done.” Since then, we’ve published TEN more “Anatomy Awards” volumes—the latest in late 2007—and introduced numerous other related phrases into the vernacular: “On a Pedestal,” “Academy Adored,” “Oscar Mire,” “Trophy Wives,”"Golden Girls,” “Statue-esque,” “Foreign Intrigue” and “Same Time, Last Year,” to name a few. Perhaps the Academy will consider giving me a “Lifetime Achievement Award“…

In this year’s ceremonies, airing Sunday, the women are again much more interesting than the men—and not just for the obvious reasons,  like the prospect of nominee Anne Hathaway on the red carpet {despite having dropped her jailed financier fiance and “two bra sizes,” due to the anxiety…all the more likelihood of a wardrobe galfunction!}. No, it’s also because of the uncertainty of the outcome: while sensational Sean Penn playing slain Harvey Milk and the late Heath Ledger are almost {ahem} dead certain to win Best Actor and Best Supporting, the women are comparatively up for grabs. So you’re invited…

In our eleven editions of “The Anatomy Awards” we’ve uncovered over 385 actresses…and considering we chose not to go back before 1960, there have only been 500 Best Actress and Supporting nominees during that time! {clearly with many multiple nods…and bods}, so that means we’ve laid bare 77 % of the total “prized” personalities possible. This year is no sexception, with 9 of the 10 female actresses “going for the bold.” However, since Sleuth always seeks to go where no mag has gone before, we’re adding a second, rarer revelation to the Class of 2009:

BEST ACTRESS

Anne Hathaway Nom’d for Rachel Getting Married, Nude in Brokeback Mountain, Rarer Nude in Havoc

Angelina Jolie Nom’d for Changeling, Nude in Original Sin, Rarer Nude in early outtake

Melissa Leo Nom’d for Frozen River, Nude in Three Burials…, Rarer Nude in Silent Witness

Meryl Streep Nom’d for Doubt, Nude in Silkwood, Rarer Nude in She-Devil

Kate Winslet Nom’d for The Reader, Similar Nude in Heavenly Creatures, Rarer Nude in Jude

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Amy Adams Nom’d for Doubt, Nude in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, Rarer Nude in Psycho Beach Party

Penelope Cruz Nom’d for Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Nude in Elegy, Rarer Nude in Open Your Eyes

Taraji P. Henson Nom’d for Benjamin Button, Nude in Baby Boy, Rarer Nude in pre-fame pose

Marisa Tomei Nom’d for The Wrestler, Nude in Before the Devil…, Rarer Nude in Untamed Heart

Viola Davis Nom’d for Doubt, Braless Pokie on red carpet, Camel Toe on stage in shorts

Sleuth never goes with the flow, however, so his personal picks for the female acting awards might differ from those of the Academy: While Best Actress will likely be between the best actress of her generation, Meryl Streep, and her heir apparent, Kate Winslet, we shouldn’t forget the delightful Sally Hawkins of Happy Go Lucky fame … and 2002’s All or Nothing frame. And my Supporting trophy would probably be a three-way tie between: Thandie Newton as a clueless Condi Rice in W … and awesomely areolae’d in 1998’s Besieged; Canadian cutie Alison Pill as the lesbian campaign manager in Milk … and udderly milk-fed in 2005’s Dear Wendy; and sweet Sophie Okonedo as doomed May in The Secret Life of Bees … whom it took all of Sleuth’s sleight-of-gland to uncover in this single frame flash from the 1996 BBC-TV drama Deep Secrets!

Lastly, let’s not overlook the Academy Awards debut of host Hugh Jackman, the reigning “Sexiest Man Alive” as picked by People magazine. “I could have told them that years ago!” quipped his wife of a lucky 13 years, Australian actress Deborra-Lee Furness {on the red carpet together}. “Obviously, Brad wasn’t available this year!” Raves X-Men superhero Jackman: “I have a terrific marriage…you fall deeper in love every day!” And every night he wears a different “get up” to bed Deb: “She loves me in costume because it makes her feel like she’s having an affair, in a good way,” he reveals about dressing as “Wolverine” when they make love. The Academy Award host’s only regret is that he “didn’t get to see my wife run naked down Broadway” when he won the Tony Award for The Boy from Oz in 2006: “She had promised to strip and sprint along” the legendary theater street if her forecast of his victory proved wrong. “And I said, I kind of wouldn’t mind not winning actually,’ Jackman joked.  “I think I’d prefer to see that.  That would be kind of fun.” Sleuth does his part by discovering Deborra-Lee’s only nude screen scene: a topless skinnydip 18 years ago in the Australian-made Waiting. “I’m ballsy,” Deb declares…let’s hope that didn’t prevent her from conceiving. Now after “several miscarriages,” Mrs. Jackman runs a charity to lobby for adoption rights. The couple has adopted two…the first, a boy in May 2000, checks out the cheeky cheerleaders with Dad at a Knicks game last month. Their son’s name? Why, OSCAR of course…

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